forgiveness.. it's a beautiful thing.

they say growing up is hard to do.

how do you stop a bad thing from happening when you don't really want to?

when everything inside you tells you it isn't good.. but you're defenseless.

and you try, you really do, but halfheartedly.. you know its bad, so you want to move on. but when that moving on actually begins to happen, you hurt. you're not quite ready to let it go.

they say growing up is hard to do..

they weren't kiddin.

give me faith to trust what You say.

I'm not sure what i want to do with my life. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm in the right major. I'm scared to death about not knowing the future. I love people, but I don't think I really want their lives to be placed in my hands. That scares me, to death.

I want to sing. I want to share Jesus with others. I want to teach math. I want to be on the sidelines reporting. I want to get married. I want to be an example of the lavish love that my amazing God has given me.

That's what I really want to do.

But you know, maybe it's not about the path I take, because I know for a fact that the Lord will use me wherever I am. But sometimes, its nice to know the details.

obedience.

"they said you came for the lame, i'm the lamest; i broke my life, but You say You'll replace it, i'll take it." very recently, I've been contemplating what exactly "faith" looks like in my life. So often, I find myself trusting the Lord whenever its convenient for me, like when I need to do well on a test or whenever I want something from the Lord. I say that I have "faith" that the Lord will provide, and yes while this is all in good intention, getting something for ME is the one of the only reasons why I do so. I recently read a quote by A.W. Tozer, "A world of confusion and disappointment results from trying to believe without obeying." Am I coming to the Lord in obedience or am I coming to the Lord in want and desire. I should be offering myself to Him and praising Him for the things He has done in my life, instead of all the time coming to Him in convenience. Then, will I find the joy that this heart of mine ever so desires. true happiness.

growing up.

"People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened."

I'm a sophomore in college. When did THAT happen? I'm also twenty years old. Wait.. what?

Growing up is hard. It's fun, of course. also challenging. It involves change, something that I've never been so great at adjusting to. In fact, I hate change. Forget coming to college.. I can't even stand it when facebook changes. It takes me a while to get my bearings. (my mom always plays a huge factor in readjusting!) Once I got it, I got it. Mostly though, I hate the fact that most everything and everybody always changes whenever they enter a new phase in life. Sometimes, I just get stuck in the old.

This summer, I survived many changes. Wait, no, not survived, because the fact is that this summer was amazing. Amazing in the sense that I was pushed and challenged, encountered new experiences, met people who simply take life as it comes, gained confidence, and spent quality time with the people I love.

Pushed and challenged, check. Let's just say that I probably have never been so stressed in my life. Trust me, I could talk to you all day about it. I woke up before the crack of dawn everyday. I took a CNA class for most of the summer. I went into it thinking that's about all I'd have to do.. show up and take a test and clean poopy diapers. no, kate you were very wrong. Turns out it wasn't a breeze, it was actually very difficult. I seriously wanted to give my teachers a piece of my mind everyday.. the amount of stress they put on us made the tears come very, very easily.

But.. I passed. so check.

I started the summer thinking I would have no job. I HATE feeling that you could be doing something better with your time then just sitting around watching the kardashians cuss each other out. (: Ended up that I got TWO jobs. I worked for my dad doing marketing stuff.. you know, like the fun stuff.. entering in numbers into the computer, shipping stuff out, making price tags for products, sitting at a desk from 8-5. ha ha. But I really did end up liking it. I got to know alot of fun people, and it truly gave me a boost of confidence.

Probably not as much as my other job though.

"Hey, how are you guys doing tonight? What can I get you to drink?" I said this alot over the course of the summer. I ended up working at applebee's. I'm not going to lie, I absolutely HATED it at first. Day one of training, I seriously thought about how I was going to tell them that I wasn't coming back. The people there were crazy. Literally. I've never ever in my life been around those kind of people. I ended up loving it. Yes, it pushed me and yes, it was a challenge everyday to stand up for Christ in a place where not many people knew Him. Yes, I was influenced by my co-workers and I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I heard the f-bomb. But in a weird sense, it was refreshing. I can't even describe it.. It was crazy and most every time I worked, I was there for almost 8 hours (back to back with another 8 hour shift) but I loved it. It was so refreshing to be around people that I'm not usually friends with. They were all like a breath of fresh air. It was just.. fun. I felt completely myself and I felt completely confident. It did take a while to get to that point, but I began to enjoy work. If I'm honest, I think I liked the fact that I was myself completely and that people just liked me. I didn't have to pretend to be anyone different. I was just me, and I had fun with people. It felt real. I gained confidence.. something that doesn't come too easily for me. I feel like even though it was a challenge, I needed it. I needed something new.

The time I spent with my family and friends this summer was much needed. Yes, mainly all I did at my house was just crash for the night, but I was able to grow closer to people. Especially my best friend Lucy. We had us a good summer. sleepovers, john mayer concert, laughing, crazy stories, and just really being there for each other. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss her so so much now.

Coming back to Wilmington was an adjustment. I love it here, I really do, but at first it was almost like I was holding onto my summer in Raleigh. I thought that the first time I went back to visit it would be completely the same.. but, like always things change. I hate hate hate hate (did I say hate?) the fact that people forget you. Maybe not so much in the technical sense, but I hate the fact that people fall out of touch with one another. I've tried and so have they to stay in contact with me, but it's just not the same. And you know me and change. I wish some things, not all things, just stayed the way they were. I guess that's all a part of growing up.

So here I am today. Learning, being challenged, comforted, starting again, growing up.

Its hard, but at the same time, its been one of the best times of my life.

I wouldn't trade a second of it.

But in order for this to continue, I have to make some changes. I am twenty. I want to feel it. Yes sometimes I get stuck back in the past, but now I want to move forward. Not everything is served the way I want it, but that doesn't mean something else could be better. I want to be everything I know I can be. I want to make the most of the time I have now.

So there. There's what's been happening in my life.

Since I started with a quote, I'll just leave you with this wise quote from greys anatomy.

"Change. We don't like it. We fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying, but here's the truth sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything."

love.

when you least expect it..

reality can hit you in the face. it can make you believe things about yourself, even lies. you see the world and automatically you begin to compare yourself to the people around you. you feel better than someone or you feel insignificant compared to someone else. in those moments when you believe the lies that the world is feeding you, everything else in your life seems to take a backseat to that one thing that you are focused on. that one possession, that one friend, that one person whom you feel will make everything better. everything right. and suddenly, you make yourself believe that you have to have it, that you can't be happy without it, that you can't be everything you know you can be without it. it seems that in the instant that you focused your attention on that "thing," you instantly began to focus on yourself. if i'm honest, i've found myself there many times in the last few months. things i say i must have to be happy.. and if i'm honest, this morning, as i sat on the second row in my church and began to zone out my pastor, reality hit me. in a moment where my attention had begun to turn to myself, my pastor said this, "We aren't here to have a better life. We are here to glorify Jesus." and then truth hit me. if i know for a fact that my spiritual wellbeing is not dependent on others, why is my physical wellbeing. why am i stacking myself against others, and why am i viewing myself through the eyes of men? i've desired things that i haven't gotten. and tonight i realized something.. all i do is want want want, and i want it all right now. if i say i trust in the Lord, i must trust his plans for my life. He knows the plans He has for me. why am i so anxious to have them all now? i must wait and see. i'm so glad this reality hit me tonight.

mixed emotions.

The title says it all. so many mixed emotions right now. Let me just say that this year has been one of the best years of my life. It has been so much fun and just a year of growth in my walk with the Lord and in my life personally. I am forever thankful for the friends I'm made, the "growing up" I've done, and for the blessing of being able to attend such a great university like UNC-W. This weekend truly was a final hoorah for me. Constant fun with friends, especially the people in my dorm. I will miss all of my international friends; I have simply loved getting to know them better and to hear about their countries and homes.

Can't believe I'm about to become a sophomore. So much to look forward to for next year! I am going to be a Bible study leader which I am incredibly stoked about, and I am living with 3 of my closest friends! However, I'm not as excited about my schedule next semester- 2 science courses with 3 labs per week. ahh. but, i. will. survive. (:

As I am filled with joy at the experiences I've had this year and the fun times with friends and family, I am nervous about this summer. I want God to use me wherever He desires, but it's hard when you don't know what the outcome will be! I'm taking a CNA class for half of the summer, and I will also be working. plus side: I hear this class will help you decide if you really want to do nursing. downside: I have to get up at 5:30 two days a week, and I'm not sure where I'll be working yet. It has been hard not knowing exactly what I'll be doing, because alot of my friends are getting to go overseas on missions trips. I'm so so excited for them, but deep down if I'm honest, I want the chance to see God do something cool in my life this summer. But hey, the summer hasn't even begun. I know I have to wait and see what God has in store. I know it will be awesome. So much to do, so much to look forward to, so much to experience..I just want to be content where God puts me. No matter what friends have around me, or no matter if I have 1 friend or 100, I want to be firm in my faith and really trust the Lord and be satisfied in Him. Friends will fail, I will fail, family will fail, yet Jesus remains faithful. I want to be faithful this summer with what I'm given. Any nervousness, anxiety, greed, jealously, or worry that I hold onto--I want to let it go and rest in the Lord. so easy to say, yet so hard to do. Needless to say, I'm excited to be with the people I love and grow closer to others I don't know as well.

I'll be praying that each of you all's summer is filled with fun, excitement, fulfillment in Christ, happiness, and sunshine! Wherever you go, I would encourage you, as well as myself, to put your life in God hands in see Him work! He's faithful!

xoxo, kate

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."

-Psalm 130:5

uncw.

i love unc-wilmington. i have to admit, i was a tad hesitant about coming back for 2nd semester. such a good christmas break...and i didn't want to leave my family and close friends. yet this week has been awesome. moments of prayer and fellowship with great Godly girls, moments of laughter and pure fun, and the comfort of being in each others presence has been nothing short of amazing. i have realized so often this week the blessings God pours into my life, even though i do not deserve them one bit. it is so much more rewarding and fulfilling to strive after Christ then to live for oneself- something i need to remember more often.

so this weekend has been fun. roller skating, birthday dinners, girls night out, my best friend coming to stay with me...lets just say its been awesome.

so all in all, i really love unc-wilmington. end of story.

reflections, not resolutions.

well hey there, everyone. it sure has been a while. i feel like there is so much to cover that has happened to me in the past few months; i'll try to sum it up, but if i ramble, i'm truly sorry. when i feel like writing, which is not often, i tend to get very detailed. so sorry in advance.

okay, here we go.

i survived my first semester in college. no, survived isn't the right word. at all. because you see, i love unc wilmington and everything that college involves. i didn't just survive it; i had such an amazing first couple of months. yes the first week scared the heck out of me, but God truly provided amazing Christian friends in my life to encourage me in my faith, to walk beside me, and to share special, unforgettable moments with.

[some highlights of first semester]

-sarah cox and whitney sprinkle. i don't know what i would do without them. they are such blessings to me.

-getting to know hayley kerr, nicki tschudi, madison wolf, katie worley, christina cramer, and chelsey glover better. they are such wonderful people.

-crusade and the wonderful people that i have met through that.

-bible study. bible study ladies. bible study leaders. friends of the bible study leaders.

-the beach. what better place to study? oh wait. i just lay out :]

-my relationship with Jesus Christ, first and foremost. i have grown more closer than ever to the Lord through my time in college thus far. He never ever ever ceases to amaze me.

-the God given ability to work hard in school and enjoy the benefits of good grades. AND the wonderful blessing of Leah Mayo, the most amazing grad student who helped me pass chemistry! I am indebted to her forever.

-the constant love and support of the most amazing family in this world. i can not even begin to count all of the letters I have received from the people who love me most in this world.

-the friendships with Tori Milioni & Lucy Moore. my best friends. my support group. my shoulders to cry on. I love you both.

-increased confidence in myself, in who I am in Christ, and in my faith.

-a wonderful roommate. i have to admit, i didn't know what to expect, but she is one of the nicest people in this world, and i am blessed!

-ohhh, how could i forget. I MET NAPOLEON DYNAMITE! IN AN AIRPORT! IN GREENSBORO! soo awesome.

sorry i'm saying blessed so much, but i just can't describe it any other way. i hope that gave you a small insight into my life these past few months.

life is not easy. its not always beautiful. its not a thing that is laid out for you, with maps everywhere to point you where to go or what to do next. its difficult. and at times, you don't even know what to begin to do next. but i will tell you one thing..as challenging as it may be, its only exciting, and enjoyable, and fulfilling if it is life centered on Jesus Christ. I am going through a book called "Crazy Love" and i have not even gotten past the first chapter & I am already beginning to see God in a new way. Often, I feel so complacent with they way I see God. I see Him as my Father who loves me no matter what. Often, that's my way of justifying sin. "..oh God will love me even if i do this...He'll forgive me." not right one bit. God, who created the galaxies and every living thing on this earth, loves me with a CRAZY love. He wants a relationship with me. The old is in the past. He desires me. Yet I continue to seek love in all the wrong places. He wants me. what am i going to do? passionately follow Christ or simply sit back and be complacent with life? i want to love God with a crazy love, just as He loves me. its so worth it, yet so hard to give up the things you think you want the most in this life. but HE is what matters. i hope i can fully grasp that some day.

sorry for all the scattered thoughts, but don't say i didn't warn you.

do you know when you have one thing on your mind constantly, and no matter what you do or say, it just won't go away? well, i do. i have been praying and trying and wishing that it would go away, but honestly it hasn't. some may call me crazy but i guess i really don't care. its how i feel, and i can't help that. my desires are strong, and no matter how much i try to shake them, they won't go away. i just wish i had the courage to tell people how i feel. you only get one go around in life..why not jump at chances? i've tried to reason in my mind, i've tried to ignore the hurt, but you see, i can't let it go. its been with me for so long..its kinda hard to just let it go, give it up, move on.

i guess i could try. or maybe i could just take a chance. hmm.

this is so long. i'm sorry. like i said, i had a lot to cover.

i think i may sign off for now. so much is running through my head, but i'm just going to keep it there. maybe save it for later.

i'm just going to leave you with a few quotes i really enjoyed this past year. ah 2010 is almost here. so many things i hope to accomplish in the new year. its a fresh start. a new beginning. a chance to be different. to be better. i hope.

"Never give up what you want most for what you want now." -unknown [i saw this in randall library]

"all of my life, in every season, You are still God; i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship." -hillsong

"my feet are stuck here against the pavement, i wanna break free i wanna make it closer to your eyes,get your attention before you pass me by" -colbie caillat

"Nothing is better than something, cause I'm waiting for the real thing."

"then you come crashing in, like the realest thing; trying my best to understand all that your love can bring.." -john mayer

"i delight myself in the richest of fair, trading all that i've had for all that is better" -shane & shane

"Sin has lost it's power, death has lost it's sting; from the grave you've risen VICTORIOUSLY!" -charlie hall

"so we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes; if His grace is an ocean we're all sinking" -david crowder

"incomparable, unchangeable, You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same; You are amazing God." -chris tomlin

"You gave what the world couldn't offer us." -hillsong

"i've got a tight grip on reality, but i can't let go of what's in front of me here" -paramore

"Everything You are to me is everything i'll ever need"

"sometimes i grow weary, from goin' all the time. i love to take a minute, let you ease my mind. oh Carolina, ya keep callin me home, callin me home" -eric church

"do you remember the way you looked at me back then; two hungry eyes wrapped up in a smile so innocent" -corey smith

"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us, because He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of you life if you trust Him." -facing the giants

thats all. i hope your 2009 was wonderful. lets seek Christ in 2010. love to you all.

kate.

blessings.

the Lord is truly gracious to me. so often, the sin of pride plagues my life. i just get so wrapped up into my life. my time. my worth. my friends. my struggles. my happiness. me. me. me. yet God is still gracious. so often, i rely on happiness apart from joy. if i am not happy, i feel all twisted inside. what happened to the simple pleasures of just basking in the joy of the Lord. where did i take a wrong turn. i say all i need in this life is Jesus. i fail at perfection. i fail at living a life worthy of Jesus Christ. yet God is still gracious. God still continues to bless with with more than i could ever ask. he sees me as righteous all because of Jesus. i come to him with sin and struggles and he comes to me with more love than most people feel in a lifetime. so often, i fail at being a Christian. God never fails as being sovereign. he lavishes perfect love on me that never lets go. he empties me to fill me back up again. he is jealous for me. he desires my life to be one hundred percent sold out to him. i fail. He is still God. grace given. grace received. how is it that i have so much trouble giving it out. He blesses me. I should want to do the same for others. how is it so hard?

aquafina & 3 musketeers.

i'm sitting in the computer room. i got my one card with me and my water and empty candy bar wrapper. i went on a run earlier. took a hot shower. lets just say i'm pretty content. not so much earlier though. today was a hard day to leave raleigh. i got my family there and i left some of my best friends behind. it was a good weekend though. [recap] friday: reunited with sarah and ashley and saw "couples retreat." vince vaughn is my new favorite actor. saturday: slept innn:) and hung out around the house, and then went to yui & cooda's engagement party. that night i went to lucy's and reunited with her! okay sunday: church, gym, talks with my family, got my bridesmaid dress for yui's wedding, and drove back to wilmington. like i said, hard day to leave raleigh city limits. okay so do you ever just really want something like really bad. like it hurts if you can't have it. yeh i'm in that boat. its in raleigh. here's the thing. i don't want to look back at my first semester of college and say, "why the heck did i spend so much time thinking about that?!" i wanna move on and enjoy college and live here in wilmington with a passion for life!
right when i pulled into wilmy, my heart wasn't here. but God, like He does consistantly in my life, gave me some suprises to hold onto. i had a good chill time with my roommate, and let me just tell you, it was SO good to see whitney sprinke. dang i love her. we ran all the way to the library and saw sarah and joelle! scared sarah, made plans for the weekend, talked about the fair, made plans for the beach tomorrow, and just laughed. it refreshed me. it made me excited about being here in wilmington. it made me forget about all my troubles and foolish desires. it made me ENJOY life. that's what i'm gunna do from now on. enjoy life. life's too short to do anything else.

grace greater than all my sin.

most people seem to be happy. i'm a happy person. i love my life. no, not every aspect because of course i have regrets and things that i desire to change, but all-in-all, i'm a pretty happy girl. yet here's the thing. so often i find myself looking for more. something else. something new. complete contentment. happiness. God has blessed me in so many ways. He is incredible. He has given me everything i need at the moments when i need them. He has given me amazing, amazing new friends at uncw that have encouraged me in my faith and other areas of my life. He has given me an amazing family that I would not trade for the world. He has given me grace, when i feel like i am sinking in regrets. He has given me joy. yet why do i find myself always wanting something else. maybe its just the human thing to do. maybe everyone is constantly wanting more. I have EVERYTHING i need because i have Christ. friends may fail me and my family may desert me, but if the only One i had was Jesus, it would be more than enough. He can satisfy my desires; He is the one place where true joy and rest is found. i guess i'm only human. but i want to find no excuse in that. i am human, but i am a Christ-follower. set apart. forgiven. a new creation. i, kate dillon, am a new creation. my old life is gone. the new has come. in that, i can find true contentment.

routines.

i've been in college for 3 weeks now. well almost. i should be in a daily routine by now, shouldn't i? when i first came to college, the newness of it and the changes happening in my life were constantly on my mind. i was so overwhelmed with getting adjusted and plugging in to the right organizations and making friends that i kind of just did whatever everyone else was doing. (i'm not talking about drinkin or partying or anything p.s.) but now that i'm established here and the newness is wearing off and i'm am beginning to love it more and more everyday, i feel like i need to start focusing on my classes and the things that I want to do. like the gym. and bible study. and crusade. and studying. you know? i guess once i start to buckle down and focus, the rest will fall into place. (my mom said that..isn't she so wise??) that's all.

p.s. i had a lucky charms rice crispy treat today at wag. SO good.

double stuffed oreos

i love laughter. its probably one of my most favorite things to do. my favorite kind of laughter is the kind that makes you pee in your pants and the kind that makes you feel like you can't even breathe. cause once you experience that with someone, you've kind of reached that breaking point where you can just be real and yourself 100% of the time. subjects of recent laughter: singing "forever" by chris brown. talks about the swine flu. techniques of applying hand sanitizer. eating. dorm emptiness on thursday nights. break in's to cstone. more eating. stealing dum dums. forced friendships :). cars that smell like crayons. the belltower is a moon? partying (or the lack of). mcdonalds late night runs. nail polish. bathroom doors open. french boys. dance parties. the list could go on. "if we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane" <3

college

so i'm in college now. ha i feel like it was just yesterday that i was walking out of my house on my way to sanderson. unc wilmington is awesome. no, i'm not at the place right now where i would say that it is my favorite place in the world, because it (like any other) is going to take some getting used to. definitely an adjustment. but the people are so chill and nice and everyone wants to meet everyone! my classes are good..i'm taking bio and chem together. lets just say i'll be reading and studying. alot. i've gone to crusade and ccf, and there's a bible study tomorrow night and i'm so super pumped about it! i've met and reconnected with some amazing people, and they seriously are blessings from the Lord!

I'm not going to lie, its kinda fun being on your own. yes i miss my family and friends in raleigh like CRAZY but i know i'll be back to visit, and while i'm down here, i want to make the most of my time here. its definitely scary and overwhelming (didn't know there was so much homework!!) but it makes you kind of grow up a bit. In high school, my daily time with God was important, but I knew I always had my family and close friends right there with me. here, my bible time is one of the biggest parts of my day. not knowing what each day holds and just simply relying on Christ to be the place where you find joy has been huge for me. I've learned so much about trusting in Christ and who He says He is, and that simply by following Him, i can live life so much more abundantly! its hard, but worth it, ya know?

thats it for now. its 10:56 and i'm off to read more about biology. oh fun.

love to you all,

kate

ps. football season is cominggg. chargers play THIS saturday on tv. you better believe i'll be watching :)