forgiveness.. it's a beautiful thing.

they say growing up is hard to do.

how do you stop a bad thing from happening when you don't really want to?

when everything inside you tells you it isn't good.. but you're defenseless.

and you try, you really do, but halfheartedly.. you know its bad, so you want to move on. but when that moving on actually begins to happen, you hurt. you're not quite ready to let it go.

they say growing up is hard to do..

they weren't kiddin.

give me faith to trust what You say.

I'm not sure what i want to do with my life. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm in the right major. I'm scared to death about not knowing the future. I love people, but I don't think I really want their lives to be placed in my hands. That scares me, to death.

I want to sing. I want to share Jesus with others. I want to teach math. I want to be on the sidelines reporting. I want to get married. I want to be an example of the lavish love that my amazing God has given me.

That's what I really want to do.

But you know, maybe it's not about the path I take, because I know for a fact that the Lord will use me wherever I am. But sometimes, its nice to know the details.

obedience.

"they said you came for the lame, i'm the lamest; i broke my life, but You say You'll replace it, i'll take it." very recently, I've been contemplating what exactly "faith" looks like in my life. So often, I find myself trusting the Lord whenever its convenient for me, like when I need to do well on a test or whenever I want something from the Lord. I say that I have "faith" that the Lord will provide, and yes while this is all in good intention, getting something for ME is the one of the only reasons why I do so. I recently read a quote by A.W. Tozer, "A world of confusion and disappointment results from trying to believe without obeying." Am I coming to the Lord in obedience or am I coming to the Lord in want and desire. I should be offering myself to Him and praising Him for the things He has done in my life, instead of all the time coming to Him in convenience. Then, will I find the joy that this heart of mine ever so desires. true happiness.

growing up.

"People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened."

I'm a sophomore in college. When did THAT happen? I'm also twenty years old. Wait.. what?

Growing up is hard. It's fun, of course. also challenging. It involves change, something that I've never been so great at adjusting to. In fact, I hate change. Forget coming to college.. I can't even stand it when facebook changes. It takes me a while to get my bearings. (my mom always plays a huge factor in readjusting!) Once I got it, I got it. Mostly though, I hate the fact that most everything and everybody always changes whenever they enter a new phase in life. Sometimes, I just get stuck in the old.

This summer, I survived many changes. Wait, no, not survived, because the fact is that this summer was amazing. Amazing in the sense that I was pushed and challenged, encountered new experiences, met people who simply take life as it comes, gained confidence, and spent quality time with the people I love.

Pushed and challenged, check. Let's just say that I probably have never been so stressed in my life. Trust me, I could talk to you all day about it. I woke up before the crack of dawn everyday. I took a CNA class for most of the summer. I went into it thinking that's about all I'd have to do.. show up and take a test and clean poopy diapers. no, kate you were very wrong. Turns out it wasn't a breeze, it was actually very difficult. I seriously wanted to give my teachers a piece of my mind everyday.. the amount of stress they put on us made the tears come very, very easily.

But.. I passed. so check.

I started the summer thinking I would have no job. I HATE feeling that you could be doing something better with your time then just sitting around watching the kardashians cuss each other out. (: Ended up that I got TWO jobs. I worked for my dad doing marketing stuff.. you know, like the fun stuff.. entering in numbers into the computer, shipping stuff out, making price tags for products, sitting at a desk from 8-5. ha ha. But I really did end up liking it. I got to know alot of fun people, and it truly gave me a boost of confidence.

Probably not as much as my other job though.

"Hey, how are you guys doing tonight? What can I get you to drink?" I said this alot over the course of the summer. I ended up working at applebee's. I'm not going to lie, I absolutely HATED it at first. Day one of training, I seriously thought about how I was going to tell them that I wasn't coming back. The people there were crazy. Literally. I've never ever in my life been around those kind of people. I ended up loving it. Yes, it pushed me and yes, it was a challenge everyday to stand up for Christ in a place where not many people knew Him. Yes, I was influenced by my co-workers and I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I heard the f-bomb. But in a weird sense, it was refreshing. I can't even describe it.. It was crazy and most every time I worked, I was there for almost 8 hours (back to back with another 8 hour shift) but I loved it. It was so refreshing to be around people that I'm not usually friends with. They were all like a breath of fresh air. It was just.. fun. I felt completely myself and I felt completely confident. It did take a while to get to that point, but I began to enjoy work. If I'm honest, I think I liked the fact that I was myself completely and that people just liked me. I didn't have to pretend to be anyone different. I was just me, and I had fun with people. It felt real. I gained confidence.. something that doesn't come too easily for me. I feel like even though it was a challenge, I needed it. I needed something new.

The time I spent with my family and friends this summer was much needed. Yes, mainly all I did at my house was just crash for the night, but I was able to grow closer to people. Especially my best friend Lucy. We had us a good summer. sleepovers, john mayer concert, laughing, crazy stories, and just really being there for each other. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss her so so much now.

Coming back to Wilmington was an adjustment. I love it here, I really do, but at first it was almost like I was holding onto my summer in Raleigh. I thought that the first time I went back to visit it would be completely the same.. but, like always things change. I hate hate hate hate (did I say hate?) the fact that people forget you. Maybe not so much in the technical sense, but I hate the fact that people fall out of touch with one another. I've tried and so have they to stay in contact with me, but it's just not the same. And you know me and change. I wish some things, not all things, just stayed the way they were. I guess that's all a part of growing up.

So here I am today. Learning, being challenged, comforted, starting again, growing up.

Its hard, but at the same time, its been one of the best times of my life.

I wouldn't trade a second of it.

But in order for this to continue, I have to make some changes. I am twenty. I want to feel it. Yes sometimes I get stuck back in the past, but now I want to move forward. Not everything is served the way I want it, but that doesn't mean something else could be better. I want to be everything I know I can be. I want to make the most of the time I have now.

So there. There's what's been happening in my life.

Since I started with a quote, I'll just leave you with this wise quote from greys anatomy.

"Change. We don't like it. We fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying, but here's the truth sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything."

love.

when you least expect it..

reality can hit you in the face. it can make you believe things about yourself, even lies. you see the world and automatically you begin to compare yourself to the people around you. you feel better than someone or you feel insignificant compared to someone else. in those moments when you believe the lies that the world is feeding you, everything else in your life seems to take a backseat to that one thing that you are focused on. that one possession, that one friend, that one person whom you feel will make everything better. everything right. and suddenly, you make yourself believe that you have to have it, that you can't be happy without it, that you can't be everything you know you can be without it. it seems that in the instant that you focused your attention on that "thing," you instantly began to focus on yourself. if i'm honest, i've found myself there many times in the last few months. things i say i must have to be happy.. and if i'm honest, this morning, as i sat on the second row in my church and began to zone out my pastor, reality hit me. in a moment where my attention had begun to turn to myself, my pastor said this, "We aren't here to have a better life. We are here to glorify Jesus." and then truth hit me. if i know for a fact that my spiritual wellbeing is not dependent on others, why is my physical wellbeing. why am i stacking myself against others, and why am i viewing myself through the eyes of men? i've desired things that i haven't gotten. and tonight i realized something.. all i do is want want want, and i want it all right now. if i say i trust in the Lord, i must trust his plans for my life. He knows the plans He has for me. why am i so anxious to have them all now? i must wait and see. i'm so glad this reality hit me tonight.

mixed emotions.

The title says it all. so many mixed emotions right now. Let me just say that this year has been one of the best years of my life. It has been so much fun and just a year of growth in my walk with the Lord and in my life personally. I am forever thankful for the friends I'm made, the "growing up" I've done, and for the blessing of being able to attend such a great university like UNC-W. This weekend truly was a final hoorah for me. Constant fun with friends, especially the people in my dorm. I will miss all of my international friends; I have simply loved getting to know them better and to hear about their countries and homes.

Can't believe I'm about to become a sophomore. So much to look forward to for next year! I am going to be a Bible study leader which I am incredibly stoked about, and I am living with 3 of my closest friends! However, I'm not as excited about my schedule next semester- 2 science courses with 3 labs per week. ahh. but, i. will. survive. (:

As I am filled with joy at the experiences I've had this year and the fun times with friends and family, I am nervous about this summer. I want God to use me wherever He desires, but it's hard when you don't know what the outcome will be! I'm taking a CNA class for half of the summer, and I will also be working. plus side: I hear this class will help you decide if you really want to do nursing. downside: I have to get up at 5:30 two days a week, and I'm not sure where I'll be working yet. It has been hard not knowing exactly what I'll be doing, because alot of my friends are getting to go overseas on missions trips. I'm so so excited for them, but deep down if I'm honest, I want the chance to see God do something cool in my life this summer. But hey, the summer hasn't even begun. I know I have to wait and see what God has in store. I know it will be awesome. So much to do, so much to look forward to, so much to experience..I just want to be content where God puts me. No matter what friends have around me, or no matter if I have 1 friend or 100, I want to be firm in my faith and really trust the Lord and be satisfied in Him. Friends will fail, I will fail, family will fail, yet Jesus remains faithful. I want to be faithful this summer with what I'm given. Any nervousness, anxiety, greed, jealously, or worry that I hold onto--I want to let it go and rest in the Lord. so easy to say, yet so hard to do. Needless to say, I'm excited to be with the people I love and grow closer to others I don't know as well.

I'll be praying that each of you all's summer is filled with fun, excitement, fulfillment in Christ, happiness, and sunshine! Wherever you go, I would encourage you, as well as myself, to put your life in God hands in see Him work! He's faithful!

xoxo, kate

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."

-Psalm 130:5